Bought cream… accidentally signed up to be a butthole influencer

A fun part of getting older is finding new ways your body turns against you. My latest gift: a thrombosed hemorrhoid. If you don’t know what that is, picture a hemorrhoid that hit the final boss stage (sorry…). Black and purple, throbbing like it belongs in a Tremors sequel. Then, just for fun, it sprouts extra little holes to bleed from. Because my ass apparently wanted to dabble in Cronenberg body horror.

And since I’m a guy, there’s no way I’m going to a doctor and dropping my pants to show them the problem. I’d rather die in silence than have some stranger in a lab coat tilt their head at my asshole like it’s a science fair project. So here I am, trying internet-approved snake oils because the CVS aisle ain’t cutting it.

Anyway, I buy this “healing natural oil” and the instructions that come with it absolutely kill me. It starts off normal enough:

• Do a quick skin test
• Shake well before use
• Apply consistently

Then out of nowhere it drops this:

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“WE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR RESULTS. Your journey matters! Send us your before & after photos and help others see what’s possible. Scan to share your photos or visit: amoils.com/feedback.”

My journey matters? What am I supposed to do, set up a hemorrhoid photoshoot like it’s America’s Next Top Butthole? Who the hell is sitting at home thinking, “You know what people need? A high-res time-lapse of my balloon knot healing.”

And they even give you a QR code. Like, “Don’t worry, champ, we made it easy! Just point your phone at your ass and boom, you’re an internet influencer.”

It’s gonna be goatse all over again. (If you’re too young to remember goatse, look it up. Or better yet, don’t.)

I picture folk scrolling through a hemorrhoid gallery like it’s Zillow. “Oh honey, check this one out. Spacious. Great lighting. No thrombosis. Let’s make an offer.”

I’m definitely doing it, though.

I mean, how can you resist?

They gave me a QR code. It’s official.

I’ve got the ring light (for the ring, hehe) set up. I’m thinking soft lighting, f/2 lens, lots of bokeh. Cinematic ENB color grading. Maybe a dolly zoom for dramatic tension. I’ll score it with Hans Zimmer so when my hemorrhoid finally deflates, the bass drops.

I’m storyboarding this thing like it’s Blade Runner 2049. My butt in 4K HDR, tears running down my cheeks (both sets). If I’m gonna be a butthole influencer, I’m going prestige. Art house.

Director’s Cut:

In this version, we go full Titanic. The old woman shuffles up, clutches the precious gem, she tosses it straight into the hole she once shared moments of love in. Fade to black. Celine Dion swells. Credits roll.

TL;DR: Hemorrhoid cream wants me to start butthole OnlyFans.