Lessons We Shouldn’t Have Learned: Back to the Future

Ten bullsh*t life lessons from the most beloved time-travel incest comedy of all time

So now they’re rebooting Back to the Future. Of course they are. Because God forbid we let an 80s movie just stay dead without dragging it back out, slapping some CGI on it, and pretending it didn’t already mess up a whole generation of kids.

And I’ll admit it. I loved it when I was young. Time travel. DeLorean. Power of Love. That stuff was cool.

But if you rewatch it now, with adult eyes and a working moral compass, you realize this movie is completely bonkers. Incest. Terrorism. A “nice guy” who wins a wife by punching a rapist.

So here it is. The next installment in the series.

Back to the Future. The movie that taught us if you mess with time, you can fix your parents, upgrade your house, and maybe survive your mom trying to jump your bones.

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1. The Doc and Marty Rule (Yeah, We’re Still Doing This)

We talked about this in The Karate Kid. Creepy old guy takes interest in a teenage boy and suddenly it’s a heartwarming mentorship.

Well here comes Doc Brown, cranking it up.

The man lives in a burned-out mansion. Builds nuclear time machines. Has a dog named Einstein but no job. And his best friend is a high school kid?

Nobody ever says how they met. Nobody thinks it’s weird.

Doc just shows up in the middle of the night like, “Hey Marty, let’s test a device I built with stolen plutonium behind a JC Penney.”

And the kid’s like, “Cool!”

What were we doing in the 80s?

2. Your Mom Wanting to Bang You Is Just Quirky

Marty goes back in time and his mom instantly tries to jump him.

She flirts. She touches. She’s in her underwear. She kisses him on the lips.

And everyone just laughs like it’s a mix-up at summer camp.

I don’t care how catchy the soundtrack is. That’s not cute. That’s a trauma mine.

And the message we took away? “Eh, moms were hot once. Sometimes too hot. Waka waka!”

No. That’s not a joke. That’s a court deposition.

3. Attempted Rape = Character Growth (For the Guy Watching)

Let’s not sugarcoat it. Biff tries to rape Lorraine. It’s loud. It’s violent. And it’s played like this is George McFly’s big moment to shine.

That’s how he becomes a man. He punches out a rapist while his future wife screams in a locked car.

And the movie goes, “Good for you, champ.”

But let’s be real. George was a creep before that.

He’s a voyeur. A peeping Tom in a tree. Nervous. Whiny. The poster child for incel energy.

But the movie says he’s a “nice guy,” and all he needed was one punch to unlock the life he deserved.

The push being attempted rape.

The lesson? You don’t have to grow. You don’t have to get better. You just have to wait for a woman to be in danger so you can finally feel like a man.

That’s not growth. That’s Reddit in a tuxedo.

4. If You Time Travel Right, You Get a Better House

Marty comes back to a timeline where his family is suddenly rich, successful, tan, and hot.

Because of one night in the 50s.

No butterfly effect. No horror. Just “Nice job, kid. Here’s a truck.”

He didn’t fix anything. He just unlocked DLC for his life.

And we all clapped like idiots.

The real message? Screw the rules of time. If you’re gonna mess with history, make sure it pays off in granite countertops.

5. White Kids Invent Everything, Even Black Culture

Marty hops on stage, plays Chuck Berry’s own song, and some dude says, “Hey Chuck, you gotta hear this.”

Like Chuck Berry stole his sound from a white kid in a vest.

And the movie treats it like a punchline.

Not appropriation. Not erasure. Just a clever little wink.

What did we learn?

If you time travel far enough, you can colonize culture too.

6. Terrorists Are Just There to Move the Plot

Doc scams Libyan terrorists out of plutonium. They show up in a VW bus with an Uzi and shoot him in a mall parking lot.

And then… nothing.

No manhunt. No news report. No international fallout.

They exist solely to get the DeLorean moving.

And we were like, “Yup, checks out. Let’s go to 1955.”

That’s not a plot. That’s a war crime with a punchline.

7. The Time Machine Is Cool, Even If It’s a Rolling Deathtrap

Let’s talk about this car.

It breaks down. It needs lightning to work. It almost kills people constantly.

But hey, it’s shiny.

It’s the 80s equivalent of putting a jet engine on a microwave.

The lesson? Don’t build something safe or practical. Just make it shiny and loud and hope for the best.

You know, like parenting.

8. Your Parents Sucked Until You Fixed Them

Pre-time travel, George is a spineless dweeb and Lorraine’s half-drunk at breakfast.

Post-time travel? They’re hot, successful, and doing bicep curls in pastel outfits.

Because of one punch.

Apparently, your parents are just broken NPCs until their future kid shows up to unlock their final form.

It’s the most Gen X fantasy ever. “I’ll go back in time and fix my family. Then they’ll love me right.”

Jesus. That’s not a plot twist. That’s a therapy bill.

9. High School Decides Everything Forever

This movie acts like the entire course of your adult life is determined by how you handled one school dance.

No college. No second chances. No growing up.

Just a punch, a kiss, and the rest of your life is locked in.

Sorry, nerds. You didn’t peak in high school? Enjoy flipping burgers in the timeline that matters.

10. You Can Survive Literal Time Travel, But You Still Gotta Get Back in Time for School

Let’s not forget. Marty just risked his existence, watched his parents nearly vanish, got almost seduced by his mom, fought terrorists, and traveled through the space-time continuum.

And the big payoff?

He gets grounded for staying out late.

Because Back to the Future isn’t about rewriting history.

It’s about making sure you’re back in time to mow the lawn.

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Thanks for reading.

Read more about bad lessons from good movies:

Lessons We Shouldn’t Have Learned: The Karate Kid